I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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