well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
