Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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