Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
