Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
