Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
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I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
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I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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