nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
