Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
