my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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