We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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