Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
