I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How does one acquire holy water?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
