If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
