"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
