i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
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We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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