Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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