Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
