Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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