Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
