Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
