i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
