just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
