Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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