the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
