anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
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Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize