I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
pray to the hookup gods
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
