I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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