He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Randomize
