They should really pass out barf bags in church
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
