Will you blow on my dice?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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