I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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