if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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