I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
