Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
