I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
