So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
