Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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