sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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