While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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