So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
