I hate your face
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Farmville is her only friend.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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