I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
