I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I want a musical about memes.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
