I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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