I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
