Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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