She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
