I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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