he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
