Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
