She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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