If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I pour the whiskey from now on
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
