you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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