brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
